I will try again....

A part of my heart is longing to permanently put my words somewhere, so here I go again! Here are some words that spoke to me recently. "When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement, vowed to Awe Himself, covenanted to Christ-and I took the whole of everything He gave in this gloried world into my open arms with thanks." I have been trying to prepare my heart and the hearts of my babies for Thanksgiving. I thought if we did this, then we would be even more prepared for Christmas. I always sit in the Christmas Eve service, wishing my heart was more prepared for the moment of reverence for what the Lord did through the Christ Child. I always sit there, hoping my children at least caught a glimpse of what His sacrifice really meant. I will start here, on this keyboard and prepare this family of mine, first for being truly Thankful and then to be truly Reverent.

It's been so long.....

I never blog anymore. It makes me kind of sad that I have become so busy that I can't find time to record the tiny moments of my beautiful family. It doesn't matter if no one ever reads this today. What matters is that my children will read it someday. I will read it again when they don't have missing teeth, a tiny lisp and chubby legs. My big boy, my toothless wonder continues to be "mama's boy." He delights in hugging me, often asking "can you just let me sit in your lap?" And there are times I say "no, I don't have time right now." I have done that, and as I type this I realize I can't get those moments back. Oh, I know I'm a busy mom and there will be times I have to say wait or not now, but I can't say wait too much or the waiting will turn to years and I will have a grown man in front of me and he will not fit in my lap. My middle boy, my tender hearted treasure is only home with me two days out of the week now. I have made an effort to really lean into our time together. I don't make him take a nap, even though he needs one, because he desperately needs time alone with his mommy. He holds my face and says, "this is good." as we stare up at the clouds from the trampoline. He says, "you love me most because I'm so cute, right mommy?" I say, "Oh, Eli I would have to say you are a beautiful boy, but I love you for so many more reasons than that and I love you most like I love Owen and Ella most. You are all my gifts from God." He smiles and grabs my hand. Can I pause this please, Lord? My baby girl. Not a baby anymore, but I rock her like she is, I place her in her crib like she is. I'm holding on to this youngest gift as long as I can. She is soft like a petal, she is joy like the sun. She is still my hearts desire every time I look at her dancing, twirling like a ballerina in the sunlight. She dances the minute her feet hit the floor. She challenges me like no other. She loves me in a different way than her brothers. It's an intense love that sometimes produces fits. I will miss "these" fits some day when we are dealing with curfews and boys. Perhaps I can blog again....I can take time to notice something each week that makes me glad to be a wife and mommy. I think my heart needed this after seeing the heartache in Oklahoma. I have my babies all sleeping soundly in our home. I will not go to bed begging God for their smell, their soft skin, their hair tangled in their eyes. They are still with me. I did not have to say goodbye or deny the goodbye because a storm took them from me. I will hold each of them tomorrow and thank God for entrusting them to me. I won't be bothered by them. I will embrace the "crazy" that sometimes happens with children and know that God is with me, holding my hand and loving my babies even more than I do....I still can't fathom that, but I know it's true.

My leader

You taught me how to be a mommy. You were my first born. We learned together. We taught each other. I have never met a child so committed to what is right. I watch you grow into a boy and am in awe of your intelligence and strength. Those wide eyes are always searching for something to learn, to teach and even to challenge. Owen, you continue to make me the mommy I should be. I look at you and am reminded every day of God's creativity and grace.

My beautiful boy

I still marvel at you when you sleep. Those lashes, those cheeks, those lips and that nose. You still seem to be my baby. I guess that never leaves, but there is something about you Eli that catches my breath, that makes me marvel at God's creation. What a gift God gave me in that. I can just look at you and am reminded of His perfect artistry.

My Girl

These pigtails have gotten so long. Time is slipping right through my fingers, but I'm holding every moment in my heart. Every dream I ever had for and with you is coming true. I write down moments with you so I don't forget. They may not make it to the cyber world, but I will forever have them etched on paper (the way I prefer). I just thought the world might want to see your perfect little head from my perspective.